1
00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,439
♪♪ [theme]

2
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,793
[groaning]

3
00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:59,146
FRANK: No, no, operator.
Listen to me closely, please.

4
00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:02,149
Well, I told you three times.
Will you get it straight?

5
00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:07,893
Not the Hairywood Hotel.
The Hollywood Hotel, in Tokyo.

6
00:01:07,937 --> 00:01:10,157
On Showadori Street.
Showa...

7
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,202
Well, however you say it.

8
00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:14,074
Ohh...

9
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:15,814
Moron.

10
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:18,121
Major Margaret Houlihan.
I'll wait, yes.

11
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:21,211
Margaret, it's me-- Frank.

12
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:23,126
Well, I can't talk louder.
I'm in Radar's office,

13
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:26,129
and he's sleeping
just a few feet from me.

14
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,697
God knows what filth
he's dreaming.

15
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:30,220
Margaret, puss,

16
00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:31,874
I've been trying
to get you for five hours.

17
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,397
Are you all right?
Where have you been?

18
00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:37,271
Oh, well, the nurses'
seminar lasted forever.

19
00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:38,924
Captain Parish gave a talk

20
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:41,101
on earwax problems
in the artillery.

21
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:44,191
Dr. Nyler gave a talk
on peristaltic rhythm.

22
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:47,803
Last year, he nearly won
the Nobel Prize for dysentery.

23
00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:50,110
And then he also gave
a talk on suppositories:

24
00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:52,112
"The Bullet of Health."

25
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:54,810
But it's 3:00 in the morning.
I was getting worried.

26
00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:56,159
Were you, Frank?

27
00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:58,074
Oh, I called and I called.

28
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,163
I thought maybe you'd
been in a rickshaw wreck.

29
00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:01,556
Eh, those drivers get
running in the rain

30
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:03,297
and their glasses steam up.

31
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:05,342
The glass.
Wash the glass.

32
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:07,344
Well, after the seminar,
some of the girls,

33
00:02:07,388 --> 00:02:09,259
-the nurses, and Fred...
-Fred?

34
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,174
Went out for a bite
on the Ginza.

35
00:02:11,218 --> 00:02:12,480
Margaret, who's Fred?

36
00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:14,090
I thought it was
a nurses' seminar.

37
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:18,660
He's a physical therapist.
Nice, but dumb.

38
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:21,576
He hasn't got a brain
in his whole body.

39
00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:23,273
Margaret, why do you say
"body" like that?

40
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:25,188
What do you know
about his body?

41
00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,711
Body.

42
00:02:26,755 --> 00:02:29,801
He's just a big, strong kid.

43
00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:32,239
He crushed a beer can
with two fingers.

44
00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:35,372
Oh, show-off. Once I killed
a gopher with a stick.

45
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:37,069
What'd you do?
Where'd you go?

46
00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:38,549
We all went to a bathhouse.

47
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:39,724
And where was Fred?

48
00:02:39,768 --> 00:02:41,291
Well, we didn't
see much of him.

49
00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:42,814
He likes to stay underwater.

50
00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:44,294
[laughs]

51
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:46,340
Margaret, I-- What?

52
00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:49,169
All right, operator.
Right away.

53
00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:50,518
They're gonna cut
us off, pumpkin.

54
00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:52,128
Our time's up.

55
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:55,131
Oh, I miss you so much.
Hurry back.

56
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,785
I got a new
Andre Kostelanetz record.

57
00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:58,352
It's called "Two Alone."

58
00:02:58,395 --> 00:02:59,875
Yeah, we'll put it
on in your tent,

59
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:02,182
and I'll crush a beer can
with my knees.

60
00:03:02,225 --> 00:03:03,618
Margaret. Margaret?

61
00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:06,795
Margaret. Oh, Margaret.

62
00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:09,493
Oh, shut up.

63
00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:11,452
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

64
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:13,193
Ralph Kiner has just hit

65
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:15,238
his 47th home run
of the season,

66
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,197
and Corporal Murphy
has just struck out

67
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:18,285
in the laundry room.

68
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:19,547
Gimme a lap sponge here.

69
00:03:19,590 --> 00:03:21,766
-Colonel Potter?
-Captain Pierce.

70
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:24,160
I think it's only fair
to tell you that this
is my last patient.

71
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,815
-For today?
-For forever.

72
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:29,034
-So you're leaving.
-All I need is a doggy bag

73
00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:31,689
filled with our cook's
famous unborn hash

74
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:33,735
and a jeep with a full tank.

75
00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:35,780
I'll drive north
up through Mongolia,

76
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:37,521
take a right at Siberia.

77
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:39,784
I may have a little trouble
crossing the Bering Straits,

78
00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,525
but after that
it's downhill all the way.

79
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,135
Especially if you
have the lights.

80
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,355
-Right.
-We'll set it up after lunch.

81
00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:48,402
-Can we have
some quiet in here?
-Don't bleed so loud.

82
00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:51,448
It's like operating
with a broken record
going around and around.

83
00:03:51,492 --> 00:03:53,058
[mocking]
And around and around.

84
00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:55,365
-Colonel!
-Major.

85
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:57,802
I do wish you'd
exercise your command.

86
00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,935
I only exercise it
once a month.

87
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:01,806
I don't want
to get muscle-bound.

88
00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:03,852
-Thanks a heap.
-[clatter]

89
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:06,507
-Oh, terrific, Kellye.
-Sorry, Doctor.

90
00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:08,248
-You think
I dropped it, don't you?
-I didn't say that, sir.

91
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:11,990
It's obvious you thought so
the moment I dropped it!

92
00:04:12,034 --> 00:04:14,341
[laughing]

93
00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:15,820
Come on in here.
We can talk better.

94
00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:17,953
-Radar, no calls.
-Yes, sir.

95
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,215
Me too.

96
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,261
Gentlemen,
I need your help.

97
00:04:21,304 --> 00:04:23,001
Command me, sire.

98
00:04:23,045 --> 00:04:24,307
If it's shorts you want,
you can have my other pair.

99
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:25,787
Of course, they need
a little work.

100
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,789
No horsin' around now.
I'm serious.

101
00:04:27,832 --> 00:04:30,531
So am I.
Take my shorts and let the
chips fall where they may.

102
00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,620
Frank Burns is driving
everybody nuts,

103
00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:34,883
ever since Major Houlihan
went to Tokyo.

104
00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:37,407
-He even made Klinger cry.
-The cad.

105
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:40,541
Told him his platform shoes
made him look like a tramp.

106
00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:42,282
Well, you've seen him in O.R.

107
00:04:42,325 --> 00:04:44,893
-All thumbs.
-And two of 'em up his nose.

108
00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:47,069
Colonel, you've only been
around him for a few months.

109
00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:49,332
He's been a boil on my butt
for a hundred years.

110
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,116
Then let's lance
that boil.

111
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,988
The man feels
totally friendless.

112
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,816
He is.

113
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:56,905
As a favor to me and
for the good of the unit,

114
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,646
be nice to him.

115
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,256
Buddy up to him.
Treat him like a pal.

116
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,127
You must have
something in common.

117
00:05:02,171 --> 00:05:04,042
True.
We hate each other.

118
00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:08,308
Hawkeye, B.J., I'm begging ya.

119
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:11,659
Who could resist
those big colonel eyes?

120
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,924
Your bet, Father.

121
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:19,710
No help
from the pit boss
in the sky.

122
00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:24,933
I call your two
and raise five dollars.

123
00:05:24,976 --> 00:05:26,630
Hmm. Bye-bye.

124
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,284
-Five bucks?
-Too rich for my blood.

125
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:32,810
Oh, come to Papa.

126
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,551
Where'd you learn to
play poker, Father?

127
00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:36,205
Eddie Bertolucci.

128
00:05:36,248 --> 00:05:37,554
Knew him well.

129
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,164
First man to ride
a caraway seed

130
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:40,862
down the alimentary canal.

131
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:43,125
Actually,
he was a mailman.

132
00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:44,648
When he passed
the civil service,

133
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,433
I blessed his feet.

134
00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,348
Half-a-buck ante.
Straight draw.

135
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,219
There's mine.

136
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:51,829
Who said you could
play poker in here?

137
00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:53,004
I did, Burns.

138
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,919
Enjoy your game, sir.

139
00:05:54,963 --> 00:05:56,530
[giggling]

140
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:58,836
Keep your enlisted
giggles to yourself.

141
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,403
-Yes, sir. -Pot's light.

142
00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:01,491
-I'm in.
-I'm in.

143
00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:02,492
[whistles]

144
00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:04,146
Oh. Oh, yeah, it's me.

145
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:07,192
I was watching Major Burns
untie his boots.

146
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,194
And he does it
without a safety net.

147
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:10,805
Dizzy simp.

148
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,591
-Oh, come on.
-Go on.

149
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,508
-Frank?
-I don't have to take that!

150
00:06:20,118 --> 00:06:21,685
Why don't you get in
the game with us?

151
00:06:21,729 --> 00:06:24,688
Oh, thanks a lot.
I know when I'm not wanted.

152
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,429
No, come on, Frank.
We really want you.

153
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,431
-Me?
-Yeah, come on, Frank.
We don't mind.

154
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,172
Get Frank a drink, B.J.

155
00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:32,217
-Yes, sir.
-Park it right here.

156
00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:34,219
I don't know much
about poker.

157
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:36,134
Louise and I mostly played
whist at the Moose Hall.

158
00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:38,310
I read that in
Cholly Knickerbocker.

159
00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:41,575
Go easy on that rotgut.
It'll pickle your giblets.

160
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,754
-Half a buck ante, Frank.
-Mmm.

161
00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:48,451
B.J.: A snapper purse?

162
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:51,759
Oh, it says no
to pickpockets
with a capital N.

163
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:54,152
-Get Mr. Ravenal a refill.
-Here you are.

164
00:06:54,196 --> 00:06:55,806
Anybody else for
pickled giblets?

165
00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:58,592
Oh, no, thank you.
I've had it.

166
00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:01,159
-Straight draw, Frank. -Well, I
don't know
much about the game.

167
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:03,161
You get five cards.
Keep your best.

168
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:06,295
You know, pair,
three of a kind, et cetera.

169
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,384
Then you draw,
discard your garbage,

170
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,255
and keep your best five.

171
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:12,301
Any dumb Dora
knows that.

172
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:15,565
It's nice and lemony.

173
00:07:15,609 --> 00:07:17,306
You had lemons
in there, Hawkeye?

174
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,264
We threw in a couple
of cough drops.

175
00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:20,657
Is this jacks or better?

176
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:21,919
Sí, señor.

177
00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:23,268
I can't open.

178
00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:25,619
-Nope.
-HAWKEYE: Father?

179
00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:27,185
I open for a dollar.

180
00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:28,273
Bye-bye.

181
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:31,973
-I'm in. -Frank?

182
00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:34,497
Well, what do I say if I want
to say I think I can win?

183
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:35,716
How about "So long"?

184
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:36,934
Just say "call."

185
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:38,806
Then I say, "call."

186
00:07:38,849 --> 00:07:41,548
Me too.

187
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,419
How many cards
you want, Radar?

188
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,377
Two. Three. Uh, four.

189
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:48,511
Brilliant devil.
He's obviously got
one of a kind.

190
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:51,166
-Klinger?
-Two beauties, please.

191
00:07:51,209 --> 00:07:53,560
Can I have another
lemon squash?

192
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:56,301
-Comin' up, Tex.
-Best keep your wits
about you, Major.

193
00:07:56,345 --> 00:08:00,828
Oh, don't worry about me, sir.
I got a hollow head.

194
00:08:00,871 --> 00:08:03,483
-Father?
-I'll take two, please.

195
00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:06,137
One off the top,
if you don't mind.

196
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:07,530
Frank?

197
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:10,228
Don't bother me now.
I'm busy!

198
00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:12,056
How many cards
do you want?

199
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:14,929
These will suit me
just fine.

200
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:16,060
Oh.

201
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:17,453
-Watch him.
-Uh-oh.

202
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,628
He's bluffing.

203
00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:20,978
Dealer takes three.

204
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:22,284
Father, you open.

205
00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:25,026
I'll bet a dollar.

206
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:27,158
And up a half.

207
00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:29,247
Frank?

208
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:31,162
Fifty dollars!

209
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:32,424
Fifty dollars?

210
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,514
Five-dollar limit,
poker face.

211
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,037
Well, five dollars, then.

212
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,952
Okay, I'm in.

213
00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:40,345
Gee, I was gonna
buy a war bond.

214
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,739
Radar, what's more important?
The card game or the war?

215
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:44,872
B.J.:
You can play war anytime.

216
00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,569
Okay, I'll stay.

217
00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:47,788
I'll stay.

218
00:08:47,831 --> 00:08:49,006
Oh, dear.

219
00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:52,096
That's $5.50 to me.

220
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:55,665
I'll call, and may the Lord
have mercy on my cards.

221
00:08:55,709 --> 00:08:58,363
Same deal for me, Lord.

222
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,757
[mouthing]

223
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,759
What do I do now?
Can I bet again?

224
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:04,761
No, you can't!
He always wants to bet.

225
00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:07,416
We called your hand, Frank.
Let's see your cards.

226
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:08,417
Ah.

227
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,334
-Ay.
-A heart flush.

228
00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:14,771
Did I win?

229
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,512
It's all yours, Frank.

230
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,949
[laughing]

231
00:09:18,993 --> 00:09:20,821
You sure you've never been
on this boat before?

232
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,387
[laughing]

233
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:24,389
HAWKEYE:
Ten high straight, Frank.

234
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,653
-[all groaning]
-B.J.: Ah!

235
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:29,090
-Jacks full of deuces.
-RADAR: Holy!

236
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:32,354
Me again? [laughs]

237
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:34,486
Father, would you pull
your collar over your ears?

238
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,358
I have a few
filthy words to say.

239
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:38,012
I'm broke.

240
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:40,884
There goes the zircon
for my belly button.

241
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,320
Peg will kill me.

242
00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:45,236
Gee, I must've won about
two hundred dollars.

243
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,283
I'd like to join in more
fun things with you guys.

244
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:51,460
Okay, you're invited to our
sack race in the minefield.

245
00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:54,158
[laughing]

246
00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:57,988
♪♪ [ragtime]

247
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:00,817
You're dancing better.

248
00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,123
I'm learning by mail.

249
00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:10,087
You wanna dip?

250
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:11,393
You might hurt yourself.

251
00:10:11,436 --> 00:10:13,482
I can jump out of the way.

252
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,878
So this is customary, huh?

253
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:20,663
Oh, yeah. The winner
always buys the booze.

254
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,535
[giggles]

255
00:10:23,579 --> 00:10:25,450
Can I make a personal remark?

256
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,801
Is it about your breath?

257
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,367
Up till tonight,

258
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:32,457
I always thought you were low,
filthy scum.

259
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:36,157
And we always thought
you were a rotten
fink, until tonight.

260
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,115
-And perhaps tomorrow.
-[giggling]

261
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:39,813
-Maybe forever.
-[giggling]

262
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,989
What a nice thought.
[giggling]

263
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:44,687
Oh, doughboys, one and all.

264
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,950
Buddies at the front.

265
00:10:53,348 --> 00:10:57,265
I had my eye on that
for a long time.

266
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:01,356
-Radar?
-Nurse Kellye.

267
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:03,314
-Nurse Kelly? -Yeah!

268
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:05,403
The curve of her
gluteus maximus.

269
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:07,449
The red fullness
of her lips.

270
00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:09,843
You're drooling, Frank.
Would you like a lobster bib?

271
00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:11,627
Well, here goes nothin'.

272
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:12,889
[chuckles]

273
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:14,499
[imitating
Frank's laugh]

274
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:21,419
Can a fella cut in?

275
00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:23,726
-Who?
-Me.

276
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,859
Oh, uh, yes, sir.

277
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:26,903
Nurse Kellye!

278
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:28,731
[chuckles]

279
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,298
I think it's fair to tell you

280
00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:32,169
that I've admired you
for some time now,

281
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:34,084
and in more than
a professional manner.

282
00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:36,608
-Oh, thank you, sir.
-Ha!

283
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:38,959
You're really
a hotsie-totsie.

284
00:11:42,658 --> 00:11:44,660
Come on.
Pep it up, Father.

285
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,923
Let's liven up
the party, huh?

286
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:48,969
♪♪

287
00:12:01,895 --> 00:12:04,114
[bell ringing, coins pouring]

288
00:12:04,158 --> 00:12:06,987
He's okay. He's just
rusty at having fun.

289
00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:13,254
Careful.

290
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:15,299
Yeah, I'd never forgive
myself if I dropped him.

291
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:16,953
What's goin' on?

292
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:18,825
Helping an old lady
across the street.

293
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,565
He O.D.'d on
bourbon and Kelly.

294
00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:22,089
I appreciate what
you boys are doing.

295
00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:23,873
Things are gonna be
much better around here.

296
00:12:23,917 --> 00:12:26,093
-Only if we bury him.
-I'd buy that.

297
00:12:27,442 --> 00:12:28,791
Here you go.

298
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,575
There you go.

299
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:32,273
Wait, wait.
Not on me! Not on me!

300
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:34,449
B.J.: Gangway.

301
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,581
-[groaning]
-Easy.

302
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,932
Now, don't wake him up.
Don't wake him up.

303
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,672
Don't you feel
like a hypocrite?

304
00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:43,110
Like kissing Hitler
on the mouth.

305
00:12:43,153 --> 00:12:45,634
I'm tired of being nice
to this khaki specimen.

306
00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:48,071
[imitating Frank's giggle]

307
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:50,682
[laughing]

308
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:52,075
Let's close the case.

309
00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:53,816
[laughing]

310
00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:56,427
You got a toe tag?

311
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:59,213
[laughing]

312
00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:10,790
[laughing]

313
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:20,234
W-What are you writing?

314
00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:22,062
"Emotionally exhausted."

315
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,803
And morally bankrupt.

316
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,239
[both laughing]

317
00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,850
[laughing]

318
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:30,548
Not too tight.

319
00:13:30,592 --> 00:13:32,289
We don't wanna cut
off his ice water.

320
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:33,900
[laughing]

321
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:39,427
Oh.

322
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:45,476
Oh.

323
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:49,872
Oh, I don't know whether to
sleep in my filthy clothes

324
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:52,483
or put on my filthy jammies.

325
00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:53,528
I don't know whether
I don't care

326
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:54,746
or I don't care.

327
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:57,793
[laughs]

328
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,751
Heart flush.

329
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:02,493
Doesn't know which end is up
and he gets a heart flush.

330
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:03,886
I'd like to give
his heart a flush.

331
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:06,019
-[door slams]
-Halt! Who goes there?

332
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:08,543
[slurred]
I gotta go to the john!

333
00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:10,850
You gotta give me
the password, heart flush.

334
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:12,895
Bursting bladder!

335
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:15,028
Close enough for jazz.

336
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:19,032
Be nice to the rats.
It's their mating season.

337
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,511
[door closes]

338
00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:21,904
♪ Swanee

339
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,688
♪ How I love ya
how I love ya ♪

340
00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:25,038
♪ My dear ol'...

341
00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:26,778
[horn blaring]

342
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,394
What do you got?
Wounded?

343
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,135
Come on.
Let's get 'em in.

344
00:14:35,178 --> 00:14:36,963
Okay, you got it.

345
00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:45,580
In here.

346
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:02,292
-What's your hurry?
-We gotta get back
to the front.

347
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:23,226
Major?

348
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:29,754
Holy moley!

349
00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:32,670
Out, Radar, or I'll turn you
into a lamp base.

350
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:35,238
Major Burns has got the duty,
and I can't find him anywhere.

351
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,023
Try the latrine.

352
00:15:37,066 --> 00:15:39,503
I did. He hasn't even
taken the wrapper

353
00:15:39,547 --> 00:15:41,157
off his new
National Geographic.

354
00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:42,811
He's not in camp.

355
00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:45,292
Gee, maybe he's
been captured.

356
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:46,641
Let's find
that enemy soldier

357
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,034
and give him
a nice tip.

358
00:15:48,077 --> 00:15:49,600
What's ten percent
of Frank Burns?

359
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:51,254
You try Major Houlihan's
tent?

360
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,343
Yeah, it's got a big
padlock on the door.

361
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:55,650
Well, does it look like
it's been cried on?

362
00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:57,869
I remember you guys
carried him back in here.

363
00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:59,349
We dumped him on his bed.

364
00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:00,829
He was sound asleep.

365
00:16:00,872 --> 00:16:02,570
Oh, I better report
to Colonel Potter.

366
00:16:02,613 --> 00:16:06,008
Or you could report
to Colonel Potter.

367
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,749
How do you figure?

368
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:10,317
We carried him in here,
laid him out.

369
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:13,233
Didn't we take
his boots off?

370
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:15,191
We must've.
My eyes are still burning.

371
00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:18,890
Oh, come on, guys.
No horsin' around now.

372
00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:20,109
What've you done with Burns?

373
00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:21,589
We did what you said.

374
00:16:21,632 --> 00:16:22,938
We showed him a
good time, right?

375
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,374
-Right. -He's disappeared!

376
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,072
It's his way of saying
"Thank you."

377
00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:28,683
Radar, you say Klinger
saw him go to the latrine?

378
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:31,164
-Yes, sir.
-Did he hear a splash
or anything?

379
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:35,429
[telephone ringing]

380
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,735
4077 MASH.

381
00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:39,215
Uh, sir, it's, uh,
Captain Saunders.

382
00:16:39,259 --> 00:16:40,782
Battalion Aid Station.

383
00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:44,351
-Nick, how you doin'?
-Not bad, Colonel.

384
00:16:44,394 --> 00:16:47,136
Listen, I think I have one
of your officers up here.

385
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:51,140
He's out cold, but his dog tags
read, uh, "Frank Burns."

386
00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:53,055
-What?
-Skinny guy.

387
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,971
Uh, no chin, big pores.

388
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,800
-Is he wounded?
-No wounds.

389
00:16:58,843 --> 00:17:01,020
Uh, but his toe tag
reads, uh, uh,

390
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:02,760
"Emotionally exhausted
and morally bankrupt."

391
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:04,197
Whatever the hell
that means.

392
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,112
"Emotionally exhausted?"

393
00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:09,332
And morally bankrupt.

394
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:10,986
You guys pull a fast one,

395
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,944
put a toe tag
on Burns last night?

396
00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:14,990
We addressed him,
but we didn't mail him.

397
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,514
I'd appreciate it
mightily, Nick,

398
00:17:17,558 --> 00:17:19,690
if you'd ship him
back down here to us.

399
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,214
I'd like to help
you out, Colonel,

400
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:22,998
but we're a little short
on wheels up here.

401
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,739
We only have enough
room for the wounded.

402
00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:25,957
If you want him, you're gonna
have to come get him.

403
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,350
Okay, Nick,
I understand.

404
00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:28,786
So long.

405
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:30,571
They do not deliver.

406
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:32,181
Can they hold him
on layaway?

407
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:33,487
They've got their hands full.

408
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:35,315
Somebody's gotta go get him.

409
00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,795
I need two volunteers.

410
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:40,320
Pierce and Hunnicutt.

411
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:41,930
Why don't we
go tell them?

412
00:17:45,412 --> 00:17:47,240
Practical jokes.

413
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:49,024
I'm glad I'm not one.

414
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:54,073
Hey, come on!

415
00:17:56,205 --> 00:17:57,989
Why do you always
keep me waiting?

416
00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:59,817
-You know I hate to be late.
-Sorry.

417
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:01,471
And that's
what you're wearing?
That looks terrible.

418
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:04,126
You wore that the last time
we went to the front.

419
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,389
I thought we might
need some Fig Newtons.

420
00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:07,695
Oh, good idea.

421
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:09,827
We can spit seeds
at the enemy.

422
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:11,307
Let's move, Kato.

423
00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:15,268
-POTTER: Ready?
-Ready, sir.

424
00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:17,792
To Lieutenant General
Harrison Hardcastle.

425
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:21,187
Letterman General Hospital.
San Francisco, California.

426
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:24,233
Dear General, I was not aware
that your daughter, Amanda,

427
00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:28,368
was selling subscriptions
to McCall'smagazine.

428
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,892
Please put me down
for two years.

429
00:18:30,935 --> 00:18:32,720
Militarily yours,
Colonel Sherman Potter.

430
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:34,852
Et cetera, et cetera.

431
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:38,117
This general
helps his daughter
sell magazines, sir?

432
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,423
It's the old Army game.
At Fort Leavenworth,

433
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:43,557
I had a four-year subscription
to his wife's cupcakes.

434
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,647
-[telephone ringing]
-I got it.

435
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,563
Colonel Potter here.
MASH 4077.

436
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:51,391
Nick Saunders, Colonel.

437
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:52,653
We got a pretty
big party up here.

438
00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:54,568
Lots of heavy stuff.

439
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:56,135
[explosion]

440
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,314
[coughs] Uh, Colonel?

441
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:03,098
Yeah, I wish you
could help me, too.

442
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,231
No, no, listen,
we might be overrun,

443
00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:07,058
so you better keep
your people away from here.

444
00:19:07,102 --> 00:19:09,887
Right, Nick, thanks.
Good luck, guy.

445
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:11,672
They're under attack.

446
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:14,065
Pierce and Hunnicutt are
walking into a holocaust.

447
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:15,502
Oh, golly.

448
00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:17,721
You said it, brother.

449
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,593
[explosion]

450
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:25,860
This kid doesn't need a doctor.
He needs a farmer.

451
00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:28,210
-B.J.:
We'll have to clean him up.
-HAWKEYE: Yeah, I'll do it.

452
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:30,647
Nice location you got here,
Captain Saunders.

453
00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:32,301
Hmm, you think so?

454
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,738
Any closer, you could be
in a Chinese draft board.

455
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,048
Am I gonna be
all right, Doc?

456
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:42,833
Nobody gets out of
paying his bill with me.

457
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:46,185
Better start you on some
plasma right now. Medic!

458
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,187
We're all out of strawberry.
You'll have to take vanilla.

459
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,189
-Set that up right away.
-Okay, Doc.

460
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:52,060
-What do ya got?
-Took one in the stomach.

461
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:53,931
Oh, boy.
Pressure bandage!

462
00:19:53,975 --> 00:19:54,889
[Frank moaning]

463
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,414
Hmm, yeah.

464
00:19:58,458 --> 00:19:59,807
NICK: That guy can sleep
through anything.

465
00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:01,939
Yeah, he's embalmed
in bourbon.

466
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:04,290
[explosion]

467
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,379
-Cover the wounded!
-Ahh.

468
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,078
Medic!
Get me a suture setup!

469
00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:11,775
No, no, no, Captain,
this isn't a MASH.

470
00:20:11,819 --> 00:20:13,255
You, uh, get him
stable if you can,

471
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:14,648
then just put him
on a chopper.

472
00:20:14,691 --> 00:20:16,258
Right.
Why don't we wake up Frank?

473
00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:18,521
-He'd be some help.
-Ah, leave him alone.

474
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:21,002
As a doctor, he's hitting
his peak right now.

475
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:31,273
-Come on, Frank.
-Up.

476
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,188
[straining]

477
00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:36,017
Oh, whoa.

478
00:20:36,060 --> 00:20:38,715
[strains]

479
00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:39,934
He's heavier.

480
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:41,196
It's all our money.

481
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:45,983
We're always
carrying this guy.

482
00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:47,507
I've been carrying
him for years.

483
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:51,424
-Lay him down gently.
-Why?

484
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:54,253
It's a good thing
you don't come C.O.D.

485
00:20:54,296 --> 00:20:56,385
[sighs]

486
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:00,302
[exhales deeply]

487
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:03,392
Well, now you've
seen an aid station.

488
00:21:03,436 --> 00:21:04,872
What do you think?

489
00:21:04,915 --> 00:21:07,353
Beats hell out of
Bermuda off-season.

490
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,442
[sighs]
Say good night, Gracie.

491
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:11,095
Good night, Gracie.

492
00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:15,709
Captain Hunnicutt,
Colonel P-- Cap--

493
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:22,585
Oh, Major Burns, sir,
you've got the duty.

494
00:21:22,629 --> 00:21:24,326
Huh? Oh, right.

495
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:27,024
Well, another day,
another dollar.

496
00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:28,809
-Hawkeye?
-Huh?

497
00:21:28,852 --> 00:21:30,724
Uh, Colonel Potter wants
to see you right away.

498
00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:32,856
There's nothing like
a 15-second nap.

499
00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:37,905
-B.J., Colonel Potter.
-Naturally.

500
00:21:39,515 --> 00:21:41,604
Ah, come on,
you sleepyheads!

501
00:21:41,648 --> 00:21:42,997
Up and at 'em.

502
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,825
Oh, buzz off, Frank!

503
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:46,479
Get lost.

504
00:21:46,522 --> 00:21:50,047
I don't understand.
You hate me again.

505
00:21:50,091 --> 00:21:51,658
What's not to hate?

506
00:21:51,701 --> 00:21:54,313
We were such pals,
last night.

507
00:21:54,356 --> 00:21:55,749
It was a dream, Frank.

508
00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:57,446
All a dream.

509
00:21:57,490 --> 00:22:00,057
No, it wasn't! I was popular!

510
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:01,581
And don't you deny it!

511
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:06,847
[raspberry]

512
00:22:13,114 --> 00:22:15,159
-Major Houlihan! -Major Burns.

513
00:22:15,203 --> 00:22:16,509
What a lovely surprise.

514
00:22:16,552 --> 00:22:18,337
Here, let me help
you with your bag.

515
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,164
I could bite
your clusters off.

516
00:22:20,208 --> 00:22:22,602
How was your, uh,
seminar in Tokyo?

517
00:22:22,645 --> 00:22:24,255
-Worthwhile?
-Very informative, yes.

518
00:22:24,299 --> 00:22:25,648
Oh, you'd be amazed at
the things they're doing

519
00:22:25,692 --> 00:22:27,128
with suppositories
these days.

520
00:22:27,171 --> 00:22:29,260
-Oh, how was the weather?
-Lovely.

521
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:34,918
-Oh, Margaret,
Margaret, Margaret!
-Frank, Frank, Frank!

522
00:22:34,962 --> 00:22:36,485
Oh, it's heaven to see you.

523
00:22:38,139 --> 00:22:39,706
Oh, you taste so good.

524
00:22:39,749 --> 00:22:42,317
Well, I had a sardine
sandwich on the plane.

525
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,580
Tell me everything.
Tell me everything!

526
00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:47,670
Everything?
Oh, it's been el bore-o.

527
00:22:47,714 --> 00:22:49,846
I trimmed the hair
in my ears one night.

528
00:22:49,890 --> 00:22:52,153
That's the only time
I stopped thinking about you.

529
00:22:52,196 --> 00:22:54,285
And they showed that
Sonja Henie hygiene film:

530
00:22:54,329 --> 00:22:56,505
-Of Ice and Lice.
-My poor baby.

531
00:22:56,549 --> 00:22:58,333
The marines stole
The Jolson Story,

532
00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,943
and they won't
give it back.

533
00:22:59,987 --> 00:23:02,119
Well, now that I'm here,
we'll make our own fun.

534
00:23:02,163 --> 00:23:05,427
[chuckles] Did you
bring me a present, hmm?

535
00:23:05,471 --> 00:23:07,777
-You silly billy.
-[giggling]

536
00:23:07,821 --> 00:23:09,083
Close your eyes.

537
00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:17,613
Oh, Margaret! Glazed plums!

538
00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:20,268
I saw them in a window.
I said, "That's Frank."

539
00:23:20,311 --> 00:23:23,140
You're mad.

540
00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:24,838
Margaret, I'm on fire.

541
00:23:24,881 --> 00:23:26,492
What can I do
to put you out?

542
00:23:26,535 --> 00:23:28,972
I gotta go on hospital duty.

543
00:23:29,016 --> 00:23:31,540
Oh, well,
there's always later.

544
00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:36,023
I hear the peace talks
are going badly.

545
00:23:36,066 --> 00:23:37,590
We can only hope.

546
00:23:44,901 --> 00:23:47,469
And then we went to see
a play at the Kabuki.

547
00:23:47,513 --> 00:23:50,472
I can't pronounce it
in Japanese, but it means

548
00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:53,083
"Geisha girl,
the samurai have arrived

549
00:23:53,127 --> 00:23:54,476
"to take you
to the dance."

550
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,086
We? You mean you
and the girls?

551
00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:58,001
And Fred. Fred.

552
00:23:58,045 --> 00:24:00,090
-Fred-Fred?
-Fred, Frank.

553
00:24:00,134 --> 00:24:02,745
Anyway,
he understands Japanese

554
00:24:02,789 --> 00:24:06,793
and has the most beautiful
samurai sword.

555
00:24:06,836 --> 00:24:09,448
Samurai sword?
Well, where did you see it?

556
00:24:09,491 --> 00:24:12,233
I-- Does he wear it
around or what?

557
00:24:12,276 --> 00:24:14,104
He has a picture of it
in his wallet.

558
00:24:18,282 --> 00:24:19,719
Trouble in paradise?

559
00:24:19,762 --> 00:24:21,677
One can only hope.

560
00:24:21,721 --> 00:24:23,505
Suppose a rabbit died?

561
00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:25,551
Looks to me like she's
having lunch with him.

562
00:24:36,126 --> 00:24:37,824
♪♪ [theme]